Hold On…Then Let Go

Hold On Then Let GoMy world has been rocked.

Sent spinning off into a vastness that has no familiarity.

I feel so much sadness.

So much Mummy guilt.

How could I not have known?

How could I not see it?

But I need to let go. If I have learned anything from the Abundant Mama course it is to let go.

Let go of this deep sadness.

Let go of the Mummy guilt.

I can’t be the Mama I need to be carrying this burden.

I can’t be fully present for my son harboring this sadness and guilt.

Let go of this sadness. It’s not about me. It’s about him. It’s about his sadness. About his deep hurt.

Let go of my guilt. He knows. He can see it in my eyes. He has suffered enough.

Let go of these things, they don’t make you strong and Mama you’re going to need to be strong.

So, in letting go I would like to share the song he wrote. Sung by him and accompanied by his friend Justin on guitar. Their band is called Send Way Circus and they have a Facebook page.

Send Way Circus

Click on the picture to watch the boys perform Aidan’s song.

And in letting go, may I find the strength to understand and may I find the words that will help him to be strong.

Psychological bullying, the unseen, unheard, underhanded nastiness of bullying.
The physical bully can be seen, the wounds can be evidenced on their victim, but the bully that wounds with unheard words, the wounds that are unseen, the hurt is so deep.
And impossible to bring justice to their victim, so unrestrained the bullying continues, for years.
Whispers in the halls, shunned, left out, or worse, worked up until they snap and guess who gets the blame?
The victim made to feel they are in fact attention seeking, making it up, at fault.
If only I had known back then. He was only 9 years old.
If only I had recognised the signs for what they really were. You trust that the school has it right.
If only… Never again.


What are the signs your child is being bullied?

Helpful numbers in Australia

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (caters for ages 5 – 25)

Beyond Blue support service 1300 22 4636

Parenting WA Line 1800 654 432


6 comments on “Hold On…Then Let Go

  1. When we were adopting, (we live in the UK,) one of the kinds of abuse social services mentioned was Spiritual Abuse. The kind of abuse that is perpetrated on a person’s soul and is very difficult to spot as the bruises aren’t on the outside. It was delivered as related to Churches who try to get people to live a certain way, things that birth parents will have often done to children who are removed and subsequently adopted or that terrible, undermining bullying your son faced. The big thing that came over was this thing of it being incredibly difficult to spot even if you are looking for it.
    People who are being bullied are often ashamed and don’t want people to know it is happening to them and feel if they tell it will make it worse. For a child that is plain terrifying, it is bad now but what happens if it gets even worse?
    When my children came to us my little girl told us a lot of things that her foster carers and social workers had been unaware of. Things that she could hide away from the age of 2 to 4 years old while she was in foster care. From adults who know the signs and watch for the signs. She was able to hide that all day every day for that long at that young, so no-one spotted it.
    I had a lot of mummy guilt for months after my children came home for the things I didn’t save them from, for not being there when the needed me. It took me months but the things I finally worked out were that
    1) I wasn’t there and I didn’t do it and I don’t have a responsibility for those actions.
    2) It happened and I cannot change it therefore I have to have the courage to accept it.
    3) My worst day with them is a billion times better than their best day with their birth family and
    4) The choices I make now and the actions I take now are the ones I can use to help them heal.
    I am not saying it is easy, knowing your child is in emotional pain is devastating. They have been home 3 and a half years now and things are vastly improved but we are still on that journey as emotional pain takes a long time to put right. Sometimes I see it in my baby girls eyes and it cuts straight through my soul. But it does get better and it does get easier and it is fixable.
    I don’t think that her emotional pain is ‘worse’ than yours or your sons, I wouldn’t know how to quantify those feelings but I did want to offer something to you that may help with the mummy guilt. We both know if you had had the slightest idea that was happening you would have been helping in a heartbeat, like you are now. In a heartbeat. That is a good mummy.
    Sending mummy hugs from a place of understanding. xxxx

    • Thank you for sharing your personal story. Your children have come to you because you are exactly what they needed. What an incredible journey you are on! Returning the warm hugs 🙂

  2. *hugs to you & your family Amie –
    They totally rocked the song & the guitars. music is such a great way to express emotions, I hope he continues to write lyrics.
    Thank you for sharing this, bullying shouldn’t be unspoken of & I think the more we share experiences; the more light gets shed on such a serious yet sometimes hidden problem
    Nae Peters recently posted…Alphabet Chicka Chicka Boom Boom TreeMy Profile

  3. Oh Amie, that is such a hard thing for a parent and family to deal with and unfortunately it happens all too often. 🙁 Thank you for sharing and helping other parents and children know that they are not alone with this and sending your family lots of love xo
    Debs recently posted…An Invitation to Paint Big!My Profile

  4. My darn internet won’t let me see the video and hear the song, but I just wanted to comment in support of you and your family. I often feel like we don’t talk about and share this stuff often enough, so thank you for being so strong and sharing. Much love to you all.
    katepickle recently posted…Homemade Popcorn BarsMy Profile

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